What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.