I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
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There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.