My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.