me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
You Might Also Like
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.