Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
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Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”