PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
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I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Straight people are cancelled
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer