*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
brian had himself a morning…
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Born to be mild.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.