Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms