My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
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Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Here’s a meme
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
🙂🙃🥹
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.