Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
You Might Also Like
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.