Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
You Might Also Like
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
He-man has a Masters degree
My birthstone is kidney