waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
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Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.