I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”