Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
When libraries troll their patrons.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
FINE, I WON’T.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts