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I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly