me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
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[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now