People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
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ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”