Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
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Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Body by sandwich.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.