i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan