I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
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Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?