WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
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no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.