I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
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Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Me, flirting😏
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Looking at you, Jesus.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.