Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
You Might Also Like
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.