just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Whoa 😂
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*