Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
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For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
LA today:
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.