Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
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The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Breaking news:
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
A French press is when you hug naked
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.