I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
You Might Also Like
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.