Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
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Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
this has done me in for some reason
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?