I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
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*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Pigeon open mic night.