3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
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Rather alarming headline…
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
How your email finds me
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha