My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
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*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.