Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
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Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶