Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
(Gaming support cat.)
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
the red hot silly peppers
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*