I dunno why but this feels like a trap
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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters