Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
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My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
The options really are this bad
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.