[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
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Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
hey, alexa
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.