What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
58.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My sex drive has a dui
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.