in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Rambo Rambow
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*