It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
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Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Current mood: Potato
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I’m going to need a moment here.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya