DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
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Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha