I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
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H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
are there any atheist mantises?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
is this how new cars are made??
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY