ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
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I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato