Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
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6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?