Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
You Might Also Like
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Weighing up my bread heating options
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Word!