*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
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Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Not helping
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
When someone says you are so lazy
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.