Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.