This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’