*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
my one true gender
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
They got a point!
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Fight
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Hot Hot Hot
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys