Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
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My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Did I do this right
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook