Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
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[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.